


(I'll) Fuck you, Mr. Winchester

by hhoneycas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cheating, College AU, Dead John Winchester, Implied/Referenced Sex, Jealous Castiel, Jealous Dean Winchester, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-02-13 03:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12974580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhoneycas/pseuds/hhoneycas
Summary: Dean and Castiel used to date, and then Dean made the worst mistake of his life.Wow that was a shit summary. I swear my actual writing is better.





	1. 1

"I swear on all your on hand Cash that whatever the fuck you want is a damn lot less important than Edlund's final!" Castiel groaned at the sharp rap on his dorm room door. "What the hell do- you want?" His tone changed from angry to sinister when he realized who the man at his door was. Dean Winchester.

"Well if it isn't Mr. Novak! If I'd known it was your door I woulda knocked elsewhere!"

"Please do."

"Don't think I can. Hannah's on my ass for walking on her new cement. And the new grass. And maybe her feet." After finishing his sentence Dean scurried into Castiel's closet, but not before doing a small hip swing, the only thing he knew would piss off Castiel.

"Get the fuck out of my apartment, Winchester!" After realizing he wouldn't come out, Castiel decided to deal with him after Hannah came around. "Whatever." With a sigh he sat down at his desk and poured into his notes. For about 6 seconds.

"I swear to god if someone else knocks on my door-"

"Mr. Novak. Have you seen Mr. Winchester?" She bother with pleasantries, not that she was a pleasant person, but still.

"Which one?"

"The one that would get himself in trouble."

"He came around. I told him to bite me." Castiel honestly wished he had. "He knocked on Charlie’s door."

"Mind if I check?"

"Why?" Castiel asked. Genuinely confused as to why anyone would think he liked Dean Winchester of all people.

"Last time I came looking for him, I found him half naked under your bed." Her voice wasn't angry it was just objective. Calm. Creepy.

"Dean Winchester is the last person I want to interact with, let alone sleep with. Thanks though." Castiel tried to close the door, but Hannah was stronger than he remembered. She walked right past him and into his room. Castiel could only think one thing, whatever, if she finds that asshole she can have him. In the midst of this however, Hannah was probably judging Castiel's supply of orange boxers.

"I don't see how Dean might fit into my underwear drawer." Castiel called her out on her out in her violation of his privacy, and would have continued to, if his phone hadn't buzzed;

**Dean:**   
**Harboring a fugitive is a felony**

**Dean:**   
**She’ll kill you if she finds me**

"Shit."

"Excuse me?" Bella narrowed her eyes at Castiel.

"Just, uhh, uhhh, uhh."

"'Uhh, uhhh, uhh' what?"

 

"That's where I hide my porn." He regretted it the second he heard a snort from Dean in the closet.

"Paper porn." Hannah put her hands on her hips. "Really?"

"It's umm."

"Yes?"

Castiel's face turned red, at even the thought of what he was about to say, "Only good gay porn left." Another snort.

"Where's that coming from?"

"My guinea pig."

"No, the gay porn kink."

"Dunno." All he knew at this point was how red his face was.

"Alright, Novak. I'm done looking through your dorm. Only because I don't want to discover your other things."

"I- I don't-l" But Hannah had left. Castiel stormed through the cramped dorm to his closet, and let Dean tumble out.

In between laughs Dean managed to embarrass Castiel further. "You know, I was thinking I might find your gayness in the closet, but instead you just blurted it out." He doubled over laughing.

"I don't actually have gay porn Dean. I don’t have porn at all." That was Dean’s thing.

"Yeah I know buddy." Dean sauntered past Castiel with a pat on the back, sauntering being the closest term for the egotistical jaunt the Winchester always walked with.

"I am not your buddy, which is one of the reasons you should not be sitting on my bed."

"Hey man, I figured, if we.. _ya know_ … then it's as close to my bed as yours."

"We never...uh...ew."

"Do you remember the beginning of spring break?" Dean side eyed Castiel through his eyelashes. "You had nowhere to go? So you stayed. And I stayed with?" He winked

"I try not to."

"C'mon, Cas. Best week of our lives." Dean sang, standing up and dropping the magazine he had picked up. He took Castiel by the shoulders and spun him around with a happy smile on his face.

"Your life, not mine. As far as I'm concerned, my life ended at the end of that week!" Castiel pushed Dean back into the door.

“What do you mean? That was a great week! Lots of great sex.”

"Great sex doesn't compensate when you cheated on me!” If he could Castiel would be smoking at the ears.

“Now hey, that's not what you think.” Dean was definitely trying to defend himself, but Castiel could not care any less and continued with his rant, turning away with his hands in the air.

“Besides, how could it have been that great if you decided to sleep with someone else?"

"Cas, it wasn't about you, or about her, it was about my own issues!"

"That you couldn't deal with by coming to me? You told me you trusted me, valued me and my opinion, and you told me you loved me! But of course none of that is as good of a mental cure as having some meaningless sex!" Cas turned away from Dean, the thoughts and memories from the night things had ended with Dean came back up from the cage where he kept thing he never needed to think about. He was on the verge of tears.

"That's what it was, meaningless! And it wasn't even sex!" Dean reached out for the other man's shoulder, only for his hand to be caught in a vice grip of the now enraged Castiel.

“Meaningless? Meaningless?! Meaningless like everything you told me, everything we shared, like everything you promised me?!" Dean's hand was back at his side. "Don't lie to me Dean, you know what you did.” Cas looked at Dean, fire and tears in his eyes all at the same time. “You broke my fucking heart!" Cas stormed past Dean and opened the door out into the hallway.

"Cas, please-" Dean looked at Cas’ shoulders, and felt tears in his own eyes.

Cas turned around, and fixed him the coldest, yet most heated stare. "Want to make a promise you can keep?” Cas’ voice broke and his breathing shook, but he still stared at Dean. “Get the hell out. Stay the hell out. Never knock on my door or try to speak to me again." Castiel's voice got angrier and angrier as he pushed Dean into the hall and with every step Dean resisted.

"Cas, please-"

"It's Castiel." And he slammed the door on Dean's Face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3 I've been working on this for months so I'm going chapter by chapter here


	2. 2

Dean stared at the door in front of him, it was a door he'd walked through lots of times, and been pushed out of twice. Third time’s the charm. Now that Cas had popped back into his life, he needed him to stay. But nothing happened without a plan, and no plans happens without Sam.

**Dial:**  
**Sammy**

"I swear to god Dean, you can't keep calling me at random I have Metatron's final to study for."

"Okay great. I need your help."

"Now?" Dean could hear his brothers overly audible sigh.

"Yes now. Schools almost over."

"Are you trying to win your boyfriend back?"

"No. He’s not my boyfriend. I just want to talk to him."

"Jesus."

"Sam, help me."

"Fine. Meet me at work." And Sam abruptly hung up the phone, but honestly, Dean couldn't care.

One hour later Dean found himself standing behind his brother watching as he shelved book after book.

"I don't see how books will help, Sammy."

“They won’t, but I’m not taking my break early to help with your dating life.” Sam side eyed Dean, who only glared back.

“Fine.”

But Sam was already around the corner, continuing his job, Dean had some follow up questions until he heard a voice. The voice. The one that Dean loved hearing. But that was before Her, and now Dean couldn't even speak her name. Only feel the sickening feeling he felt when Cas found him.

“Your brothers an ass.” Cas hissed.

 _I don't need to hear where this is going._ Before Dean could be humiliated more he walked out and away from Castiel.

• • •

“Your brother’s an ass.”

“Hello to you too, Cas.” Sam walked around the corner and Castiel followed, unaware of the way Sam’s eyes flicked to the exit door where the same ass had just left. “How so?”

“He burst into my room very unannounced and walked into my closet hiding from Hannah.”

“What? Afraid he was gonna find your sexuality? Cause I think that's hidden in your underwear drawer.”

“My sexuality is not hidden anywhere.”

“It's a joke Cas.”

“Ah. No, he brought up Spring Break and the breakup and all of these horrible things and he was acting like it had never happened and that I was a fling he wanted to reconnect with for one night.” Castiel absentmindedly flicked the books in front of him out of frustration. “Sometimes I swear he lacks more than book smarts, he just doesn't care about how horrible it was for me.” Cas violently hit the books in the Romance section, but before he could start completely knocking books off the shelf Sam stepped in front of him.

“Dude. You do know he has feelings too?” The grim look on Sam’s face was enough to clue Castiel in to the fact that Dean suffered more than he had thought. “You didn't have to deal with him for the month he didn't want to be alone. He didn't even tell me he was single for two weeks!”

“And you didn't notice?”

“I thought he was grieving.” Cas stopped playing with the books and felt an immediate sense of fear settling into his stomach and spreading through the rest of him.

“Grieving?” Castiel’s voice was quiet and scared. Sam stopped shelving the books and looked into the blue eyes that could only hold the most prominent sense of regret.

“That was when our dad died, Cas. You didn’t know?”

“No.” Cas could barely breathe out the single word.

“I told you!” Sam pushed a book on the shelf.

“No. You told me after we broke up!” He immediately felt the air around him become hot and humid and his previously clouded mind became clear.

“Okay, one, I didn’t see you ‘till a month after. Two, did Dean not tell you?”

“No, he did.” Then realization hit him, “I just didn’t listen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Next chapter next week cause I'm shit


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little backstory

_Cas’ Dorm Room: March_

“Jesus, Dean, you smell like vomit and booze!” Cas looked up from his laptop to see his boyfriend stumble into the dark room. The smell of vodka didn't take long to reach Castiel's nose, and the sight of Dean throwing up in his sink didn't take long to piss him off. “Dean! What the hell?” Dean didn't come home totally shitfaced much anymore so Cas was a little nervous.

“Nothin’.” Dean looked up and snapped at Castiel before tripping his way to Cas’ room.

Castiel sat stunned before getting up and walking warily into his room, “Dean?” No answer. “Dean, baby?”

This time a faint grunt echoed its way through the silent room, and Cas followed the sound to the side of his bed. Obviously Dean hadn’t made it all the way, and although Cas was frustrated he let out a laugh at his hapless boyfriend.

“Dean you can’t come into my room and pass out next to my bed.”

“Ungh.” Nearly fed up, Castiel hooked his arms under Dean’s and hefted him onto the bed, “Bitch.”

“Don’t call me a bitch, Dean.” Cas’ nearly disregarded the comment as he tucked Dean under the covers of the bed, “We discussed this after your last Horrible Hangover, you can’t stumble in drunk and expect me to be okay with it.” Cas still couldn’t help but smile though, Dean looked beautiful sleeping in Cas’ bed. Not that it wasn’t something Cas had seen before, but the thought of Dean being something Cas could take care of made him happy and filled him with a sense of pride that could only stem from the fact that Cas loved him more than anything.  
With a small smile and a kiss to Dean’s forehead, Cas walked out of the room, and though he knew it was inevitable, “Please don’t be surly tomorrow,” was the only thing out of Cas’ mouth as he walked back to the couch.

It took only 90 minutes for Dean to stumble back out of Cas’ room and fall onto Cas’ lap.

“What the hell?” Cas was much angrier now, and stood up knocking the inebriated Winchester to the floor.

“Stuff.” Dean was speaking more coherently now, but he still stank of drunk as he stumbled to his feet, “I got shit goin’ on, bitch.” As soon as he reached his full six foot two inches, Dean shoved Castiel to the floor.

“Dean. Winchester. What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“What if I told you my dad died?” Dean laughed a laugh that ended caught in his throat, but Cas was too distracted by the dangerous sway in Dean’s hips to notice the tears well in Dean’s eyes.

“Dean, don’t be dramatic, it would take a lot to kill John Winchester.” Cas laughed at the thought of John Winchester dead. If he knew anything about Dean’s family, it was that they just couldn’t die. John had survived many heart attacks, Sam lived through quite a few dangerous fights, and Dean had powered through many a car crash. No matter what, Dean managed to recover, and then help his precious ‘67 Impala do the same.  
While Cas had been laughing at the absurdity of Dean’s wild accusation, Dean himself had fallen silent.

“Dean?” At the feel of Cas’ hand on his shoulder Dean spun around quickly and firmly planted both his palms on Castiel’s shoulders, using them for support as Dean’s knees gave out.

“Cas? Cas? Cas, is my dad dead?” Dean was sobbing now, shoulders shaking, eyes red, and louder than all get out, and Cas was worried, Dean wasn’t the type to make up random shit like this, or be emotional in general.

“No no no, Dean of course not. He’s not dead.” Cas’ voice slowly shifted from one laced with concern to one as firm as he could sound as Dean’s bright green eyes filled with tears, and a worry he had never seen from the normally stoic man.

“Dean?” The worry quickly dissolved into anger and Cas backed away, knowing he’d done something wrong.  
“You fucking LIAR!” Dean screamed and pushed Cas into the wall behind him. “Of course he’s dead! Don’t fucking lie to me!” And with an anger Cas had only seen in Dean when people threatened Sam, Dean punched Cas in the face as hard as he could and left the dorm.

Cas sat on the floor holding his already bruising face in his hands and decided that his boyfriend was his problem, and if he wreaked havoc on everyone in Los Angeles it would be on him, so he got up and walked out of the building with more fear of an angry, “grieving”, violent Dean Winchester, than he had had for the teacher he assumed was only a witch in disguise.  
Before Cas walked onto the busier streets near UCLA, he decided to call Sam, after all, who better to find the elder Winchester than the person he would die for?

 **Dial:**  
**Sam Winchester**

“Hey Cas.” Sam picked up the phone slower than he normally did, and quieter than he normally did.

“Damn, what is with you Winchesters today?!” Cas was used to Dean being out of sorts, but never Sam.

“Um,” Sam cleared his throat and sniffed, “Cas, um, some stuff happened. I figured Dean would tell you.”

“All your brother did was stumble into my dorm more wasted than he's ever been, and then punch me in the face. I'm out looking for him now to return the favor.”

“Cas, that's not a good idea, he's not exactly in a gre-”

“Dean!” Cas locked eyes with the elder Winchester, who then turned and ran. Cas shoved his phone in his back pocket and hightailed it after him, with Sam’s faint voice coming from the phone.

“Cas don't. Cas? Cas?!” But Cas couldn't hear him. He was only focused on tackling Dean, and he knew he would. Cas had always been stronger, faster, even if they were moderately well matched. Cas slowly gained on Dean, as he ran through the rest of the housing complex toward an all too familiar dorm, but Cas’ mind was still too focused to realize Dean was running towards Lisa Braeden’s building, the left turns dusty in his brain, but not forgotten. Still being packed away behind memories of how to get to Cas’ building, but not quite gone. Dean still knew how to lose someone in the complex streets near his ex’s dorm.

Suddenly, Dean was gone. Just, gone.

“Shit!” Castiel skid to a stop, now angrier than ever, and got his bearings, quickly coming to terms with where he was. “Oh hell no!” Now Cas wasn’t simply running, he was storming towards the building, not even acknowledging the other drunk students, enjoying their spring break.

The few remaining 20 year olds on campus, wasted and sober alike, jumped out of the way of the angry Castiel Novak, hearing only snips of what he said, “Fucking Winchesters,” “So over her, my ass,” and “I’m actually going to kill that drunk man,” were among them.

Finally, Cas gave up looking and called Dean.

 **Dial:**  
**Dean Winchester**

“This is Dean’s cell, so you must know what to do.” Cas dialed again.

“What do you want, bitch?”

“I want to know what’s going on!” Concern re-wrapped itself into Cas’ voice.

“I’m hanging out with someone who gives a shit about me, that’s what I’m doing!”

“Dean...What?”

“You wouldn’t listen!” Dean began to cry audibly and Cas became more and more worried.

“Dean of course I’ll listen, tell me anything.”

“No. I have Lisa now, I don’t need you.”

“What?”

“You know.”

“No, Dean, I don’t, what did I do?” Cas didn’t think he’d done anything, at least, anything he could remember.

“What did you do?” Dean’s voice was calm, small, scary. Like a teacher explaining to Castiel that breaking the crayons was wrong, and that he wasn’t mad at Castiel, just disappointed in him, “Cas, you used me, I don’t know if you realized, but for the past weeks I’ve been your distraction.” Dean no longer sounded drunk.

“Distraction?”

“Yes. I’ve been the one holding all of your stress about your family bullshit, and when your flight out got cancelled and you were on the phone with the airline for hour and hours and hours, I was the one you bitched to.” Dean finished his rant with a proud “hmph”. And a large burp. _Oh, wait, he’s still totally drunk!_ Cas threw his hands in the air, but Dean wasn’t done, “And guessss what elsssse, bitchhhh!” Cas started walking. Dean drew out every word in a ploy for emphasis, but only sounded more drunk, “I don’t need you! Or your dick! I can sleep with people who care about me and will listen to my problems! And you know what? I will!”

“Dean, Honey, come back here, we need to get you cleaned up.” Lisa’s soft voice floated to Castiel’s ears and immediately fueled his steadily rising anger. Then Castiel heard Dean’s padding feet walking towards Lisa’s voice and the soft humming that followed. Castiel almost hung up, but instead he decided that maybe staying on the phone with his boyfriend might lessen the hurt when Dean became his ex-boyfriend.

Maybe that was the right decision, maybe it wasn’t, all Castiel knew was that Dean wouldn’t shut up. He talked and talked for what seemed like 90 minutes about how Castiel was useless to him, and as Dean took a deep breath to continue chewing out Cas for all the things he’d done, his dramatic speech came to an abrupt close as the door to Lisa’s dorm swung open to reveal a Castiel clutching his phone so hard it was in danger of breaking apart.

“Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my unbeta'd but thoroughly proofread writing! thanks for readin


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side Note: The layout for the dorms I'm using is the (technically the apartments UCLA uses but technicalities) UCLA dorm layout

The sight of Dean shirtless on Lisa’s bed with his phone in his hand was enough to send Cas off the rails, but the second the woman of the hour walked in in just a _bathrobe_ he was furious.

“Cas.” Dean scrambled back on the bed until he lay nearly flat on the wall

“Oh don’t ‘Cas’ me! It’s enough to say that you don’t care about me, but to actually sleep with your _ex-girlfriend_  is appalling!”

“I didn’t sleep with her!”

“Of course you didn’t!” Cas laughed. “I bet you didn’t sleep with her around the time your dad died.” At this, Lisa, who had been watching from the bathroom door, stepped between Dean and Cas, who was suddenly closer than he had been a minute ago.

“Cas!” She put her hands on his shoulders.

“Oh don’t even start with me!” He turned on her. “You _know_ he’s my boyfriend! You broke up with him!”

“Cas, I didn’t sleep with him. Like you said, _I_ broke up with _him._ ” She took Cas’ hands in hers as a slight peace offering, rejected as quickly as could be, and stepped closer and closer until he was centimeters from Lisa’s face.

“Step away, from _my_ boyfriend.” Lisa sidestepped Cas as quickly as she could and Cas took her place, towering over Dean.

“Cas, I swear we didn’t do anything. Cas, please, I love you!”

  
“You can try again when we get home.” Cas brutally grabbed Dean’s shoulder as Dean let out a small sigh of relief. _At least it’s still home._ All the same, Dean wasn’t sure it would be by tomorrow morning.

As Dean woke up to piercing sunlight, he wished he hadn’t. The searing headache ripping through his skull reminded him of the scotch, vodka, whisky, beer, and many other things, that were not meant to be combined. He didn’t know how he had, but all he knew was that usually, that much booze made him fuck up, and fuck up he did. He fucked up bad and the realization hit him almost as hard as the headache, which only seemed to grow worse and worse and he realized what he’d done the night before. _I almost slept with Lisa Braeden. I punched Cas in the face. Cas! Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit._ Dean crawled back under the covers the second he realized what he’d done even though no one could see him, but his curiosity eventually got the better of him, and Dean, as silently as he could, slipped out of bed. With more fear than he had ever felt in his life, but a small remaining hope that Cas had still gone on his morning library run, Dean remained as still as possible while scanning the small sleeping area for Cas. Dean moved step by step, each time convincing himself that Castiel wouldn’t- _couldn’t_ -kill him. When he finally made it to the corner of the bathroom wall that led to the small “living room” shared by the two rooms, he saw Castiel, but not _his_ Castiel. This Castiel was the one he had met before they started dating, stiff, to say the least. No muscle was relaxed in his body as he sat straight-backed with a cup up coffee between his hands, and his eyes focusing with deadly intent on the stock photo hanging on the wall across from him. It wasn’t the stiffness that scared Dean though, it was the way he looked. So beaten and broken Dean had to do a small double take. So stressed that Dean had only ever seen him like this one other time. Seeing the person he cared about more than anything, so hurt and sad broke Dean’s heart a little then, and it broke it even more now knowing that he was the cause. Dean was the cause of this. Dean was the reason Cas sat before him with his dress shirt rolled up to his sleeves, clinging to his body like a lifeline. Dean was the reason for the bloodshot eyes, and the hair so far from the professional style that it was in normally, that it scared him. Dean was the reason Cas hadn’t slept, but instead stayed up flipping the idea of breaking up with him over and over in his mind until he started sobbing. The image of his tired boyfriend made him forget about his own terrible hangover, and enacted what seemed like a carnal need to console the man who’s lost everything he’d thought was true. He wanted to, but he didn’t feel wanted. Stuck in a battle between his respect for Cas, and his love for him, Dean couldn’t take it. The whole situation was worse than he ever could have thought, the only thing he could be thankful for was that Cas’ roommate, and the two guys in the adjoining room were off having fun on their spring break. Neither Castiel nor Dean needed prying eyes on the fight they were destined to have.

_Nope. There’s no way in hell I can do this._ And Dean turned to leave, but not before he was heard.

“I know you’re awake, Dean.” Cas’ tired voice was still calm as ever, as it echoed from the other room and Dean cringed, he wasn’t exactly in for what one would call a “fun morning.” Even though he had been found out, Dean tip-toed. He didn’t need his hard footfalls to anger Castiel anymore than he already had. Dean stood at his final resting place before Castiel, who sat at the dark wood table near the center of the room.

“Cas, I didn’t sleep with Lisa Braeden,” Dean said with all the confidence he could fake at the moment, figuring it was probably better to state his position before Castiel brought it up passive-aggressively, even if Dean himself wasn’t sure of all the details of the night before. But the devil’s in the details, and judging by the single sharp sigh Castiel emitted as his response, Dean was about seventy thousand percent sure he had made the wrong choice.

“If you didn’t sleep with Lisa Braeden, then why did it look, sound, and _smell_ like you did?” The utter disgust in his voice nearly masked the hurt Castiel felt, the betrayal. “Not to mention, the awkward tension that comes from one person in a couple, cheating on the other!” Slamming his coffee cup on the table as his hands shook out of pure anger Castiel looked up, hoping for a real answer as to why all the signs pointed to the potential catastrophic mistake. Dean could only avert his eyes from the blue ones that used to hold the only place he felt safe. He used to look into Castiel’s eyes and feel like there was someone who cared, like he wasn’t alone. Now, all he saw in the soft eyes he loved was a cold, hard, grey ringed by a bright accusing blue that seemed to scream at him, and he knew he couldn’t escape the guilt he felt, even if he wasn’t in the wrong.

“Cas I would never cheat on you ever! That’s not something I would do!” Dean knew what he said the second it left his mouth, and it took him only one more second to know what Castiel was going to say.

“Not something you would do?” Cas sounded like a lawyer, a businessman getting ready to make a Case against Dean, and he knew he had absolutely no refute for Castiel’s argument. “Dean, do you recall the massive argument that ensued after you cheated on Lisa?” Dean could barely even swallow the massive lump forming in his throat. “Do you remember who had to sit there and watch that argument? Who had to live with the guilt? Do you remember that I was a drunk bar hookup?” Castiel’s voice was slow calming in an uncomfortable way. Dean felt like he was sitting in the eye of hurricane, the yelling was over for now and all he could think about was when it would start back up again and his whole life would be swept back into peril. Dean was scared, because he knew the other half of the hurricane wasn’t too far off. Castiel’s calm could only hold so long, and soon enough he would be back to devastating everything Dean cared about.

“But Cas, that - you were different!”

“How?”

“Because, I have been in love with you since you sat in front of me in Biology 101!” Dean knelt in front of Castiel, softening his eyes and posture so Cas would mirror him like always, and sure enough, the hard grey returned to the warm blue he remembered the night Dean wandered the bar looking for the familiar face, but not expecting to find it. “I went to the bar that night trying to drink myself into oblivion because I knew I was no good for her, and I knew it wasn’t going to work.” Castiel flicked his eyes from his coffee cup to Dean and back again. “I knew I needed someone else, but that wasn’t what happened last night.” Before Dean continued, Castiel sighed a sigh that signaled that he was going to concede and hear Dean out, all the same there was still a note of reluctance to it.

“What did happen that night?” Castiel looked Dean dead in the eyes.

“I looked for Lisa cause I was drunk. I needed someone to console me!” Dean’s hands dropped limp to the seat of Castiel’s chair, as Cas canted his head to the side.

“And I wasn’t enough?” Cas questioned Dean in the same tone Sammy used to use, and Dean felt the same guilt, but this time it was backed by an anger and the feeling of pure abandonment that caught right back up again after being all but fizzled out last night.

“You didn’t care enough!” Dean returned to his feet quickly, spitting out the words in a blatant accusation. The fire from his argument was no longer able to hold him near the ground. His emotion rushed to his brain. He knew to stand up to Castiel, really, he would have to be strong, but Dean wasn’t one hundred percent sure that was what he could do at the moment, and as his feet wavered so did his resolve.

“What the _hell_ does _that_ mean?” Castiel rose to his full height, the hurricane finally returning, and even though he was shorter than Dean, the air about him had him towering five feet above, and Dean surrendering to the sadness inside of him.

“It means that you were too focused on your own shit.” Dean looked down a his hands held plainly in the air before him, as if asking Castiel to take them in his own. Still not wanting to seem weak, Dean crossed his arms over his chest, and at each allegation, pulled them tighter to his chest, until his hands were white. “Too focused on your own family, your own you, that you didn’t realize I had... I had…” Dean couldn’t get the words out, they were buried under layers of hate and betrayal that had built up over weeks and weeks. Dean had never let himself realize how much he missed Cas until now. He had never even thought he needed Cas to pay attention to him until he didn’t. Dean had been alone for the last month. Not alone, but alone with his thoughts, and he thought that maybe it was enough. But now, now with the looming fear of losing Castiel, after losing so much already, Dean couldn’t do it. He collapsed into tears. Dean moved forward and rested his hands on the back of the chair Castiel had just stood up from, holding tight as if the chair were Cas himself. His head dropped with the weight of all that had come crashing down on him in only the last 72 hours.

“Dean?” Concern replaced all the hostility that had been in Castiel’s voice. “What happened?” And Dean couldn’t do it. He was sick. Sick with guilt, sick with rage, sick with grief, and sick of Castiel not caring, not noticing.

“I lost everything! And when you started ignoring me, I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I was some child. Like you were my reluctant babysitter. I had nothing. I wasn't anything to you anymore! I became your release, your escape from all your stress, I became the thing you kept around just to have sex with!”

“Dean, you know that’s not what you are to me right? You know I never meant to ignore you. I was just busy, I’m sorry.” Cas cautiously stepped forward to kneel on the chair Dean clung to helplessly. He dropped his head ever so slightly, ever so slowly, so his and Dean’s rested on each other. It was a peaceful moment, and Dean felt loved, and Castiel felt cared about, they felt equal. They felt like everything was okay. Then Cas moved his head away.

“If that's how you felt...if that's how I really acted, then maybe I won't blame you for sleeping with Lisa.” Castiel tried to lean his head back down only to be met with empty air. He raised his head back up to look into Dean’s eyes, and looked into hurt. Through the tears welling in Dean’s eyes, the vibrant color shimmered through. When Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes a second time, they shone like emeralds, the green illuminated and reflected through the water pooling at Dean’s bottom lashes, threatening to spill over and ruin Dean’s facade of strength. For the past month Cas had abandoned Dean, and he just didn’t see it, but Dean did, he saw it, heard it, felt it, and for a moment he had thought that everything was going to be alright. He hoped that it would, until that hope was shattered by Castiel's lack of trust in him. He could hold under the _accusations_ of cheating, he could hold under the abandonment, he could hold under the way Castiel had treated him, but he could not, would not, hold under the fact that Castiel wouldn't give up the idea that Dean had cheated on him. Dean couldn't hold under the idea that he was in the wrong, and so he broke. He looked at Castiel, and refused to look away until he forced out the words he knew would break their relationship.

“Except, that I didn’t!” And when they did they came out with more force than Dean thought he had in him, and with all the power of his walls breaking, Dean couldn’t stop. “You don’t understand that I didn’t! Even if I did, you wouldn’t get why! But. I. Didn’t.” And with that Dean turned on a dime and walked towards the door, pausing just before the door and hissing, “Don’t follow me Castiel.” Then leaving as Cas cringed at the use of his full name. Something he hadn’t heard from Dean in a year and a half, and it made Castiel cry just thinking about how in the two years he had spent with Dean, they had fucked it all up in two weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment or hit up my tumblr if you liked it!! Much love <3


	5. 5

Two hours later, after walking aimlessly around the campus, Dean found himself sitting quietly on the grass around his building. He didn’t want to go inside, because his roommates didn’t leave Los Angeles for break, nor did they know about his relationship with Castiel, somehow. Plus there wasn’t exactly anything he wanted to do even if the homophobic dudebros weren’t upstairs, and so Dean sat cross legged, crying, and cold, thinking about what he had lost. He didn’t call Sam, Benny or Charlie. He didn’t go to a bar, because it was 2:00 PM, and even Dean wasn’t that dumb. He just didn’t do anything.

As Dean sat on the grass, Cas sat upstairs, stuck to his chair, frozen in place as silent tears slowly fell down his face for a few minutes, until his emotions took over and he cried for real. He sobbed and cried heavy tears that spilled into his coffee, until it became too salty. Until he couldn’t do anything except give up and fall asleep thinking about how alone he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's short! Thank you for reading anyways!! Comments and criticism are welcomed!


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! But thank you for reading anyways, comments and kudos appreciated!

_Now_

 

Dean held the to go cup in his hand, and waved it around frivolously until Charlie pulled it from his fingers and placed on top of the others she was stacking.

“I do not know what to tell you Dean.” She turned and started to saunter away, “Cassie just doesn’t like people in his apartment, let alone people who _broke up with him_.” She turned her head back at him with a pointed stare.

Dean tapped his fingers on the side of his own mug, and stared down at the small amount of coffee inside it. “Yeah. Yeah I know, I just wish…”

“You hadn’t?” Another pointed stare.   

Dean shrugged, bringing his cup to his mouth. “Yeah. A little.” Charlie held out her hand for the mug, and Dean swung it by the handle into her awaiting palm. “What I _really_ wish is that it hadn’t ended so badly.”

“Hate to break it to ya, but we _all_ wish that. Especially those of us who had to deal with him afterwards. We were either scared for our lives, or comforting our asses of. There is no lesser of two evils once you do both for three weeks.”

“Sorry.” Dean looked down at his hands, now clasped together in front of him.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m going to help you win him back.” She pulled her apron over her head, and stashed it where it belonged, before sticking her head in the back room and yelling that she was leaving.

Dean remained seated while this was happening, and only moved to follow Charlie as she left the Cafe, nearly ignoring Dean. He ran to catch up before asking, “You can do that? Just leave?”

Charlie was walking backwards now. “Yeah? When my shift is over.”

“Not at my job.” He ran a hand through his hair, and rested the other firmly in his pocket.

Charlie stopped walking and put her hands on Dean’s shoulders, and laughed, “Dean, I am a barista a fairly low-scale coffee shop thing, and you are a frigging sous chef at the third most expensive restaurant in LA.”

Dean held up a finger. “15th most expensive, and only five days a week.”

“Yeah whatever.” Charlie began walking away, turning over her shoulder to him and calling back, “That you are better than me is not the point of our endeavor today.”

“Yeah, speaking of,” Dean said catching up to her. “Where the hell are we going?”

“My dorm.” Charlie spun around to face him, before flicking her wrists and giving Dean a look that screamed “duh” before backing through the doors to the hall that held her room.

 

Despite having been in the room many times before, Dean couldn’t help but notice that Charlie and Jo’s door looked very plain compared to the inside, where the walls were plastered corner to corner with magazine covers and posters from any and every pop culture phenomenon since the year the girls had entered high school. Charlie sat down at her desk, and handed her roomate the pair of headphones she seemed to be looking for, before pulling her laptop out of the bag hanging on her chair. Dean, sat himself comfortably on Charlie’s bed, leaning against the wall, and quickly waved at Jo before she left.

Once the door had closed Dean leaned one elbow on Charlie’s desk, causing her to look up. “You know, that,” he gestured in the general direction of where Jo had left, “And you, would be much simpler to achieve than whatever stunt you’re trying to pull here,” Dean teased.

“Oh Dean,” Charlie didn’t even look up. “I’ve read plenty of novels to know that any good relationship starts with mutual secretive or shameful pining, which neither or us have, so please, focus on the love story at hand?” Dean pulled away.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Now.” She said, finally looking up at him. “Do you want to hear the plan?”

After sighing and raising a questioning eyebrow, Dean relented. “Probably not, but okay.”

Charlie spun her laptop to face Dean, and moved her eyes up to meet his, and watched them widen then narrow.

“No. Not a snowball’s chance in hell.” He moved to the other end of the bed, feet now on the floor. “Charlie, the reason we broke up was because he thought I lied to him. There is _no_ way I can even speak to him again if it involves lying!” Dean got up, ran both hands through his hair and paced the 6 feet between Charlie’s desk and the door.

Charlie followed him and grabbed his face, and steadied him before speaking to him calmly. “It’s the best plan, Dean.” Dean held up finger in contradiction.

“I highly doubt that.” He turned away, and sat back down on Charlie’s bed, and dropped his head in his hands, muttering quietly before Charlie sat down next to him.

“Dean, it’s the best option, cause I already set it up.” Dean’s head snapped up in response.

“You did what? When the hell did that happen? Nothing seemed to be finalized in the conversation you showed me!”

Charlie shrunk away quickly and murmured, “Yeah I did that part on my phone.”

“Do you know what a bad idea this is?” He paused to look at her before standing and grabbing her computer off her desk. “He literally says, right here,” Dean pointed to a text bubble on the screen, “‘I’m in, _as long as it’s not Dean_.’ I don’t know if that seems like a red flag to you, but it’s pretty damn straight forward to me!”

She stood up violently, and threw her hands up defensively. “I didn’t know that you were going to be so against it!”

“I’m not going on a date with my ex-boyfriend! Especially when I ‘accidentally’ walked into his dorm yesterday, and I’m ninety-one percent sure he wants to tear me to pieces!” Dean was pacing again. “He said he would do it cause he was looking to rebound not re _kindle_ and I can’t take that away from him. I really can’t. I’m sorry.” He gave Charlie an apologetic glance before walking out.

 

He was about 60 feet away from his door, when his phone pinged in his pocket.

 

**Charlie:**

**7:00 at Skylight. Offer still stands.**

 

Dean checked the time on his phone.

 

**5:50**

 

And walked the remaining steps into his dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skylight is and Italian restaurant near UCLA in case y'all were curious!
> 
> The next chapter will be exciting if I write it on time!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This is sooner than expected (theres gonna be one on saturday too tho so..) but I really hope these next 3 (??) chapters clear up anything for anyone who's confused. As always thank you for reading <3

Castiel looked at the clock above his door one more time;

 

**6:30**

 

He couldn’t leave yet, because it would only take 5 minutes to get there, and then he’d be stuck waiting either for the reservation at seven, or sitting at a table by himself for twenty minutes, neither of which he was up for. He looked up at the clock again. One minute had passed, and Castiel was beginning to wonder why he had even agreed to do this. He decided it was either to get revenge on Dean, by ‘happening by’ his dorm with his new man, or just to rebound, and stop thinking about him. He preferred the latter.

 

Instead of pacing any longer, Castiel moved to his bed, and eventually laid down, his feet still tapping restlessly against each other, until the door opened, causing him to sit up, then flop back down again upon realizing it was his roommate.

“Hello, Kevin.”

“Hey, Cas.” Kevin laughed, realizing why his roommate was so anxious. “Big date tonight right?”

“Who told?” Castiel asked, sitting up on his elbows.

“Charlie. She said she set you up with someone?” Kevin grinned widely.

“Yes, hence the anxiety.” Cas gestured to the space around him then said, “But apparently it will be good for me, so, I’m going.”

“Hell yeah you are, you need to get up off your ass, and stop moping,” Kevin quipped.

“Moping? Who’s moping?” Cas was on his side now, curious as to what Kevin meant.

“You, dummy. Over none other than Dean Winchester? You want him back man, it shows.”

“I mean I do…-”

Kevin started a small happy dance and began chanting “I was right” before Castiel interrupted him, speaking as he stood up, “But! As I found out yesterday, as Sam so kindly told me, I wasn’t paying attention! I ignored him! I did all these horrible things! And  _ I _ was mad at  _ him _ . I have no right to say ‘take me back’ when he obviously shouldn’t.”

Kevin now stood still and in a long silence before saying a simple, “Oh.”

“Dean Winchester isn’t my future, but maybe whatever guy Charlie set me up with is. I’m going to be late.” And then Castiel was gone, the door slowly shutting behind him.


	8. 8

Dean had run his hand through his hair so many times, he was scared it was getting messed up. He moved it to his neck and kept pacing in front of the restaurant, until he felt a sharp tap on his shoulder.

“Excuse me,” A young woman who appeared to be the hostess said. “Are you waiting for someone?”

Dean dropped his hand, and looked around hoping Cas hadn’t decided to show up at that moment, before answering. “Yeah, but I’d rather not go in until he gets here. I’m uh… Kinda nervous.”

“Of course.” She nodded, and smiled kindly. “May I have the name of your reservation so I don’t give up your table?”

“Castiel.” The name fell out of his mouth as if he still said it daily, and it caused a pull on his chest. “Thank you,” Dean said quickly before turning away, and pacing again, this time in a narrower space, now aware he was calling attention to himself. He looked down at his shoes, and caught his reflection in the window, suddenly doubting what he was wearing. Was it too formal? Not formal enough? The site had said business casual, and so now Dean stood outside the restaurant in black jeans, a blue dress shirt, and possibly a layer of sweat. He took one more look up and down his reflection before checking his surroundings once more. This time his eyes locked on the tan vehicle pulling up a block away from where he stood, and for a moment, Dean was very glad he parked his altogether conspicuous car on the opposite side. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he walked in the restaurant, and nearly crashed into the hostess.

“Hi,” Dean said quickly, his eyes flicking back and forth before settling on the girl’s name tag. “Tessa, is it?” She nodded. “I changed my mind.” He said, smiling.   
Tessa led him to a booth, towards the back, and began speaking as he sat down on the side facing away from the door, but he wasn’t listening. Instead, Dean was going over what he was going to say, how he was going to say it, and thinking everything through as Tessa listed off the specials. Once she left, he immediately pulled out his phone and texted Charlie.

 

**To: Charlie**

**Message: I cannot do this.**

 

He only had to set his phone down before it buzzed

 

**Charlie:**

**You’re there?! Great!**

 

Dean looked at his phone as if the redhead sitting in her dorm could see his incredulous expression.

 

**Sent Message:**

**I sure as hell hope you had a backup plan.**

 

**Charlie:**

**Not quite! But ur there now so no worries!**

 

**Sent Message:**

**I might bail. I’m so not prepared for this**

 

**Charlie:**

**U got it! It’s 7 now, so have fun on your date!**

 

As soon as he received the text, Dean knew he was alone, but not for long. He could feel the nerves swimming in his stomach as he looked into the mirror behind the bar. He could feel them threatening to rise to his throat as he watched Tessa leave the podium, a familiar face in tow. Dean checked to make sure all his belongings were in his coat, so he could leave if he needed to, before sitting up and clasping his hands in front of him on the table. He watched Cas’ eyes follow Tessa’s path, lock onto the back of Dean’s head, then flick to the mirror. He watched Cas’ eyes meet his through the mirror, and could only watch them go wide before giving up and turning his own eyes away. He heard him say “thank you” and heard him kindly let Tessa know that Dean could inform him of the specials. He didn’t look up once, though, until Cas spoke.

“Dean?” His voice was calm, and far, far more collected than Dean felt at the moment. “Dean, would you look at me?” Dean looked up, and they locked eyes for a split second before Dean took in every detail of Cas’ face, suddenly remembering what he looked like when he wasn’t angry.

“Dean, what are you doing here?” Cas asked, leaning forward.

He tried to look at his face, but he couldn’t, so his eyes stayed pinned on the table in front of him as he said, “Nothing smart.” He tried to get out of the booth, but the feeling of a hand in his made him turn around.

“Dean, why are you here?” His head was tilted in curiosity and an expression that could have been anger, pity, worry, or all three was on his face. So Dean caved.

“Because I ran half a mile through every forbidden, blocked off, and restricted piece of campus to keep Hannah on my tail, while I made my way to your dorm. Because I wanted to see you.” Dean nearly whispered, and every two words had shaky breaths between them, but after saying his peace, he felt his hand being held a little bit more assuredly. He wanted that, Dean wasn’t going to lie to himself. He wanted Cas to hold his hand, but not if it meant depriving Cas of someone else, and so he pulled away. “But I realize now,” Dean said, the hand Cas had been holding clutched close to his chest, “That...that was a mistake. That...by uhm...saying what I said, then and four months ago...I, hurt you.” He took another deep breath before continuing. “And I can’t do it again, and I’m sorry I’m here.” Dean got up and walked four feet, before his hand was caught again.

“You don’t have to be sorry. I do. And I am.” Cas’ eyes had tears in them as he looked at Dean, and then he was being pulled up from his seat, and he was reaching for one of Dean’s hands, as Cas’ other hand fell to the back of Dean’s neck, and slowly moved so his thumb was resting on Dean’s jaw. “I’m so, so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo it's still saturday where I am, so I'm on time! Thank you for reading, comments and kudos are love <3


	9. 9

Cas looked from Dean’s eyes down to their clasped hands, and repeated the phrase he had to have said at least three times now. “I’m so sorry.” He dropped his hand from Dean’s jaw, and his head onto Dean’s shoulder, and almost started crying as Dean’s hands moved to his face, and coaxed Cas to look at him. 

“Why are you sorry?” Dean asked, moving them both to the side of the table Dean had been sitting at, his hands still holding Cas’ head up.

“Because I talked to your brother.” Cas paused, and Dean looked down could feel his face warm because he knew the exact details of the moment Cas was talking about. Cas took a deep breath, and pulled Dean out of his thoughts, before continuing, “And he kindly informed me that I, in my effort to maintain both my GPA, and my communications with my family, forgot about my boyfriend. And my boyfriend, he tried really hard to keep things perfect, but I wasn’t focused on him, and I didn’t listen, and so he stopped wanting to tell me things, and things got worse. We still looked like boyfriends, but it wasn’t the same.” By now, both Cas and Dean had their hands in their laps, bordering on lacing fingers, but not quite there yet. Cas took another breath, and pushed on. “Sam told me something else too. He told me about his dad.” Now, Cas looked up at Dean, who’s head had snapped up. Cas took Dean’s hand once again, and started stroking soft circles on the back of it. “He told me, that his dad, who was also my boyfriend’s dad, had died two weeks before my boyfriend…Before we broke up. My boyfriend never told me. He never told me.” Both of Dean’s hands were held in both of Cas’ as Cas slowly looked up at Dean, who was now crying silent tears. “You never told me.”

Dean shook his head, but didn’t say anything.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” Cas leaned forward, and to his happy surprise, his head found Dean’s, and they just stayed like that for a bit, resting on each other, until Dean broke the silence.

“I never slept with her, I never wanted to. I don’t know what I wanted to do, all I knew…” He didn’t finish, and left the unsaid ending in the air until Cas spoke.

“Was that I wasn’t gonna listen.” Cas laughed a little at that, at his own stupidity and ignorance.

“I still love you, Cas.” Dean locked his eyes on Cas’, making sure he had heard him. “That part never stopped happening, it was just the knowing that you loved me too that fell apart, I guess.” Dean laughed now, a small, breathy laugh, that was just barely there, as he ran a hand over his neck, and dropped his gaze. “But yeah,” Dean smiled. “I never, ever, stopped loving you.”

“Could I help convince you, that I love you as well, by listening to everything you have done over the past four months?” Cas looked at Dean, despite the other man’s head being pointed intently at the leather beneath them, and willed Dean to look at him.

“Yeah, that’d be nice.” And when Dean’s eyes looked at Cas’, he knew the man next to him was very, very serious. And that was something he could get on board with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh y'all it is short, but it might be done?? idk should i continue or leave it here?? Let me know! Comments and kudos are loved and i love y'all for reading!


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